Thoughts from a Child's Mind

My tongue's become a flaming fire
Unleashing on all around me ire
And words as sharp as coldest hail
That seem to come from lowest Hell.


I need you, God, to tame my tongue
For you, My Father, are the one
Who only has the power of life
To cease this sword from causing strife.


It seems it's only bittersweet
That flows from me, it is not meet!
When I should oft your praises sing
It seems I turn to venomously sting.


Here now your servant humbly craves 
Your streams of life with power to save
My soul from this most heinous sin
That speaks of all my soil within.


Here now my soul I humbly bow
And call on you with fervent brow
Take this poor servant's biting tongue
Make me like I was when young.


Where I would ever sing your grace
And kindly speak to every face
Make my words like a healer's balm
Befitting of a Christian's alms.


These things I ask of you and more!
May I ever to you praise restore
May my vain words and bitter deeds
Instead give life to those in need.


Amen.


Lately it seems that my words have become more and more biting. While I naturally seem to be blunt and honest in my speech, this has of the last several months become a venomous serpent that lashes in criticism to people around me that I disapprove of. While nothing I say is untrue or intentionally meant to harm, I have begun to notice what an effect it's had on others and has seriously convicted me. As James says,

 " Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindles! The tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defiles the whole body, and settes on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell. For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind: But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.For by it we bless God, even the Father; and by it we curse men, which are made after the similitude of God. Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. "

James 3: 5-10

In my mind, I often think of my life -the world around me- akin to properties of water. I often imagine my thoughts as a trickling, merry stream, with mossy rocks poking out here and there. My thoughts are not new, or diverse, or even that profound, but they are constant. The stream seems unbroken, and there appears no apparent pattern. However, just as the stream remains the same but the water journeys on, so my thoughts seem to hasten to an unexpected end (likely to get caught up in a tide pool, where they circle around for a bit before finally evaporating, or continuing on to make its way to the rapidly filling expanse of ocean I call my life).


 One of my favorite things about journaling or writing prayers down is that it's like taking a picture of that stream. For an instant, I am able to take those individual droplets, and write them out where they can be examined, thought out, and frozen in time to be compared with thoughts anew. So often, I'll experience a dry season in my spiritual life, or face some new impossible problem or trial, or feel some emotion I thought must be entirely new, only to find that it's a theme that has recurred again and again without me ever seeming to have noticed a pattern.


Do you ever feel like you are constantly changing and that nothing is the same, and yet at the same time you are getting nowhere and nothing is new? Perhaps my metaphors and rambling have lost you, my poor reader, but my thoughts... like a gurgling stream that has endured a chilly spring rain with no jacket, now slops over the edges of my mind and demands some run-off be channeled onto electronic paper - I've not the patience to attempt to journal this by hand. 


As all streams and rivers meet to join hands in vaster expanse, so my thoughts eventually make up my life and my surroundings. I, settled aboard my shanty of a ship, with my tattered sail, have had the blessing to have that wind, that pneuma, that breath, that.. Holy Spirit to guide and lead my life. HE who knows all, and is through all, and is in us all (as believers), has guided this little ship, my life boat, through many a calm sea and stormy waters, and he has never steered me wrong. And yet, there are times when this breath seems silent, and I can not feel his spirit ruffle my hair, or tug me in any direction,  or stir the waters of this serene sea, and I can not help but feel alone and lost. 


Father, what have I done wrong? What have I not learned? How do I seek you better? Wind can not be caught LORD, and you will not be tamed, but I..a child, ask that you would take me where you will, lead me as you desire, I just.. want to know that you are there. It seems so childish to fear that a parent would leave for good when they have stepped out of a room to place one in "time-out", and that they will not return with a loving embrace once again. Yet I, Father, sometimes fear that you have left me to my sin for good, and have given up patience on me once and for all. Do not abandon me O God! Do not take your spirit from me! Restore unto me the joy of my salvation, for nothing in life is comparable to you. Can a person buy wind? Can I make what you LORD only have? LORD, I have nothing but you. YWH. Please.. be my God who saves. 


How do I find God when there is no wind? 


I listen. pray. repent. and cry desperately out to a God who is the only one mighty enough to save. 


"If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and I will heal their land."

And wandered down lonely roads.

I saw a man from a dark, brown land

Who stared as I drew close

He grabbed my hand while passing by

And pleaded as though for very life

To never again pass this way

While so attired on summer's day

The poor dear man, I knew not why

He asked me no more to pass him by

But so perplexed and amused was I

I obeyed with laughing glee

Till twixt and twain, yes time forsooth

I soon forgot my hasty promise

And once more frolicked on summer's day

And just so happened to pass that way

When suddenly and lo! Upon my ear

A wail so enpained, yet crystal clear

The man looked upon me and I turned to stone

And suddenly I felt all alone

I stood there forever perhaps and a day

Humming to myself of wizards and hay

When tramps there fell upon my ear

O how my heart stopped! But half a year.

A young prince came, him saddled high

His stubborn look scorched my eyes.

Startled the servants around me stood

There in that quiet, lonely wood

They tried all they could to get me out

But alas! No better it could not be doubt

So they trod away without backward glance

And there I stood. So much for romance.

Another eternity, I waited for bliss

A spell once called the True Love's Kiss

Many people did I see pass me by

None seemed to have the Samaritan's time

One little boy used to around me play

He'd tell me stories from dusk till day

Until at last he was sent away

And I stood there all alone.

More seasons past, and hope soon died

Like little fairies who had lost their flight

So there I stood and began to cry

When a stranger drew near to me

He looked at my tears and dried my eyes

The calloused young hands seemed to give new life

My face felt on fire and began to sting

I touched my lips and began to sing

I sang a song from long ago

Yet this boy knew it and joined in too

Then he grabbed me up in tender embrace

And asked if I knew his smiling face

I began to tell him I did not know

But flash! The boy from long ago!

The one who'd never leave my side

And who'd often tell me, my eyes were his guide

He told me about how he sailed the seas

In hopes of finding a cure for me

That he'd hear me sing to him in his dreams

Like a lark on meadow clear

His eyes spoke truth from his boyish face

As he asked me to spend with him all my days

To always see my sunny face

And to while away our years

So I did.