It's been almost two months since my symptoms started happening, and I don't know exactly what to make of it.
Eye pain, vomiting, headaches, neck stiffness, weakness... paralysis on one side of my body... trouble breathing...
And perfect one paper.
MRIs, CTs, EEGs, and 32 blood tests ruling out nameless, unspeakable fears - meningitis? ALS? multiple sclerosis? stroke? West Nile? ...Cancer? All officially ruled out (with much praise!) and no answers to take their place.
"Ma'am have you been feeling stressed?" "Is that really as hard as you can squeeze?" "....you DROVE here?" *shuffled paperwork and hushed voices. A quick glance over to make sure I'm not listening too closely. Worried looks from doctors that I've known and worked with in my own ICU. Forced levity from my co-workers who've come to visit me.*
What's wrong with me? My God only knows.
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In all this, I cannot be grateful enough for my church.It's a small church, with lots of college age kids, a lot of grown ups that weren't college kids so long ago, and a handful of gruff middle age and older adults that don't know how to tell you they love you except to demand that you take it easy - it's 'cause they care.
In the last two weeks, my pastor has providentially started a sermon series called "Psalms of Lament: Finding God in the Dark Places".
How good is of God to not have left me devoid of hope, but given me comfort even among my own congregation!
The tenant of this theme regards the honest worship of believers who cry out to God and praise him, while still is despair.
For crying out to God to save you in the dark places depicts an accurate perception of God, namely - that he is one who saves.
Similarly, as we would not chasten a child who hesitantly asks, "Do you still love me?" when he has been punished by his parents, neither should we chasten believers who ask the same thing of God.Honest praise and honest worship begin when we ask God the hard questions with full faith in knowing He is big enough to answer them.
Whether directly or indirectly, our God WILL give us resolution, even if it merely comes as peace in tribulation.
As fellow believers, it is our duty to bear one another up and remind one another about the true attributes of God, just as our own parents would remind us as children, "Of course we love you, it's why we do this".
I may not know much about God, but I know two things:
1). My God is God. He is sovereign and in control over all things. ALL things. Sickness, pain, hurting, fear, my car being stolen, my new car's engine blowing up, lack of autonomy, lack of a working income, inability to drive, inability to walk without help, feeling weak... how the list of my troubles seems so great until I put them in perspective of a greater God.
2). My God is Good. He who IS love, is also the God who saves, protects, succours, shepherds, provides, and .... heals. And he is the God who also, in his perfect wisdom, doesn't heal.
It is a strong and comforting revelation that men in the Bible far more righteous than I, suffered under the hand of my same great God, and declared him righteous though the end seemed bleak. [Glance briefly through Hebrews 11 and Job 1-2].
LORD may I but be like Job, like Daniel, like Samuel, like David, like Nehemiah, like Esther and Ruth, and like other modern and ancient saints too many to count, who have suffered greater sorrows, been tempted and tried in more dire circumstances, been slain, destitute, and acted as wanderers in ways far greater than I can imagine, and endured far greater trials than I can comprehend, and YET, through faith they were declared righteous before my same great God.
They endured. May I please be given the grace to do the same.
"But without faith it is impossible to please God: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him." - Hebrews 11:6
