Thoughts from a Child's Mind

http://vimeo.com/9796056

I have sat down so frequently to write a post on this blog; whether a thought, an idea, a lesson learned, a matter of justice that deserves to be rectified, or to ask one of the innumerable questions that run through my head on any given day. Yet I always stop short - abandon the post before it ever reaches the end of the first paragraph - for I always fear speaking with any authority of what another before me has always said better, or questioning something that I'm sure I could find the answer for if I tried hard enough, or perhaps am simply afraid of being considered foolish for asking to be heard if I have nothing worth saying. At the heart of it, I am shy of an audience whom I will never see, nor meet, nor perhaps will ever read any of my heart that beats quietly with each line. Proverbs says that:

Prov. 10:19 "In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: but he that refrains his lips is wise."


However, the LORD gave us lips to speak,  a mind to question, and a heart that desires to seek truth. For this reason were we meant to seek and to aid one another in our travels in this life. Why else be placed on this earth with billions of other people who have problems and hurts and fears and dreams? As I was encouraged to do so not so very long ago, I hope to use this blog to seek and pursue the LORD with my mind -as well as with my heart and soul- not only for my benefit, but also to any who wander down a similar path.

I've been thinking a lot lately of people and their desire to teach. While I know that some individuals are clearly given the ability to articulate and pass on truths better than others, there seems to be in everyone an innate desire to share information or lessons one has experienced, regardless of one's age, gender, race, or religious belief.

I can well recall conversations I've had with one of the three year-old boys I use to babysit where he looked me solemnly in the eye and made me promise him that I'd never eat dirt, "Or else, I'd get sick and fro up." I am also reminded of other situations where an 85 year-old grandmother, stricken with Alzheimer's and struggling to recall her own name, imperatively begged me to be careful about whom I chose to marry, and to make sure I chose someone who treated me well, lest I be forced to endure heartache that she could have prevented.

This passing on of information is so curious because what does the teacher (in a sense) gain? Absolute strangers are eager to give advice though they will probably never see you again, but to what end? Of course there's a pride element of feeling like one has superior knowledge, but there seems to be this basic satisfaction in feeling like our living, and having made mistakes and learned from them, benefitted someone else. As though it justifies to us further that we truly do have a reason worth living.

C.S. Lewis in his introduction of "Reflections on the Psalms," compares the sharing of his work to school children helping one another with their "sums" in arithmetic class. Though your fellows may not know much more than you, they have the benefit of having just fought that battle and being aware of the subtle obstacles that can bar one's path rather than a school teacher (infinitely wise as they are), who might have long forgotten.

I suppose that the conclusion I've come to with this thought is the desire to be more open, or at least willing to listen, to the ideas and lessons of others -if not only for my sake, but also their own. May I, in the future be one more teachable concerning the things of God, and in humility, eagerly desire to teach as the day has need.

LORD, teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom (Ps. 90:12). Amen.

Soundtrack music (and much more specifically, fantasy movies soundtrack music) seems to create their own environment of a truer, more robust world unlike anything I've ever experienced here in the mundane. The music seems to take themes and ideas that one can identify with, and purifies them; makes them realer, fuller, truer. It's a tangible ideal that touches on the soul's graving for something more - the inborn and inbred hope of greater ideals made real to us for 110 minutes (the average movie time according to slashfilm.com/by-the-numbers-the-length-of-feature-films.) Can you resist the call? Do you want to? 


I so often find myself desiring to fling out my arms, catch the wind, and fly away, free of problems I am only now beginning to face. Could this be what heaven is? Could the lilting strains of violin that caresses one's ears, really be touching more deeply to one's soul, by fulfilling, for a moment, the longing to live in a perfect world, a realer one, with purer thoughts and emotions, brighter colours, deeper desires, truer sentiments, and more clearly defined rights and wrongs?


I hope so. I long so. LORD, may your day fast approach so that we may truly know what it means to live. 

My tongue's become a flaming fire
Unleashing on all around me ire
And words as sharp as coldest hail
That seem to come from lowest Hell.


I need you, God, to tame my tongue
For you, My Father, are the one
Who only has the power of life
To cease this sword from causing strife.


It seems it's only bittersweet
That flows from me, it is not meet!
When I should oft your praises sing
It seems I turn to venomously sting.


Here now your servant humbly craves 
Your streams of life with power to save
My soul from this most heinous sin
That speaks of all my soil within.


Here now my soul I humbly bow
And call on you with fervent brow
Take this poor servant's biting tongue
Make me like I was when young.


Where I would ever sing your grace
And kindly speak to every face
Make my words like a healer's balm
Befitting of a Christian's alms.


These things I ask of you and more!
May I ever to you praise restore
May my vain words and bitter deeds
Instead give life to those in need.


Amen.


Lately it seems that my words have become more and more biting. While I naturally seem to be blunt and honest in my speech, this has of the last several months become a venomous serpent that lashes in criticism to people around me that I disapprove of. While nothing I say is untrue or intentionally meant to harm, I have begun to notice what an effect it's had on others and has seriously convicted me. As James says,

 " Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindles! The tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defiles the whole body, and settes on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell. For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind: But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.For by it we bless God, even the Father; and by it we curse men, which are made after the similitude of God. Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. "

James 3: 5-10

In my mind, I often think of my life -the world around me- akin to properties of water. I often imagine my thoughts as a trickling, merry stream, with mossy rocks poking out here and there. My thoughts are not new, or diverse, or even that profound, but they are constant. The stream seems unbroken, and there appears no apparent pattern. However, just as the stream remains the same but the water journeys on, so my thoughts seem to hasten to an unexpected end (likely to get caught up in a tide pool, where they circle around for a bit before finally evaporating, or continuing on to make its way to the rapidly filling expanse of ocean I call my life).


 One of my favorite things about journaling or writing prayers down is that it's like taking a picture of that stream. For an instant, I am able to take those individual droplets, and write them out where they can be examined, thought out, and frozen in time to be compared with thoughts anew. So often, I'll experience a dry season in my spiritual life, or face some new impossible problem or trial, or feel some emotion I thought must be entirely new, only to find that it's a theme that has recurred again and again without me ever seeming to have noticed a pattern.


Do you ever feel like you are constantly changing and that nothing is the same, and yet at the same time you are getting nowhere and nothing is new? Perhaps my metaphors and rambling have lost you, my poor reader, but my thoughts... like a gurgling stream that has endured a chilly spring rain with no jacket, now slops over the edges of my mind and demands some run-off be channeled onto electronic paper - I've not the patience to attempt to journal this by hand. 


As all streams and rivers meet to join hands in vaster expanse, so my thoughts eventually make up my life and my surroundings. I, settled aboard my shanty of a ship, with my tattered sail, have had the blessing to have that wind, that pneuma, that breath, that.. Holy Spirit to guide and lead my life. HE who knows all, and is through all, and is in us all (as believers), has guided this little ship, my life boat, through many a calm sea and stormy waters, and he has never steered me wrong. And yet, there are times when this breath seems silent, and I can not feel his spirit ruffle my hair, or tug me in any direction,  or stir the waters of this serene sea, and I can not help but feel alone and lost. 


Father, what have I done wrong? What have I not learned? How do I seek you better? Wind can not be caught LORD, and you will not be tamed, but I..a child, ask that you would take me where you will, lead me as you desire, I just.. want to know that you are there. It seems so childish to fear that a parent would leave for good when they have stepped out of a room to place one in "time-out", and that they will not return with a loving embrace once again. Yet I, Father, sometimes fear that you have left me to my sin for good, and have given up patience on me once and for all. Do not abandon me O God! Do not take your spirit from me! Restore unto me the joy of my salvation, for nothing in life is comparable to you. Can a person buy wind? Can I make what you LORD only have? LORD, I have nothing but you. YWH. Please.. be my God who saves. 


How do I find God when there is no wind? 


I listen. pray. repent. and cry desperately out to a God who is the only one mighty enough to save. 


"If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and I will heal their land."